Man, when I got into this I just knew that I would be able to keep a schedule and put a blog out at the same time every week...NOT! It has been quite the challenge in wanting to talk about things we all think about. I have just recently been going through sort of a social fast. Reevaluating who I connect myself to and if I am good for them or are they good for me. I have to be brutally honest with myself and all of it hasn't been easy to swallow. I found out that I am not the greatest friend I thought I was. However, on the flip side and not to totally demolish my character I have a great heart I'm just in the habit of living in my head and not in the real world where people other than myself and God can make a proper analysis. Don't get me wrong I have been figured out many times, unfortunately I was still becoming who I am suppose to be so I was ever-changing in many areas. Well anyway, I wanted to talk about the beauty in miracles. There was a time in my life when I was very skeptical about "miracles" in the biblical sense just because I hadn't witnessed them myself. I have a very strong faith, I belong to a church that teaches on the supernatural all the time. The supernatural realm, ironically is easier to believe then the real world at times. It just makes more sense. Things that take place in the supernatural have a plan, real intention. I always wondered why I could never seem to bare witness to all these wonderful miracles that many of my fellow Christians would speak of. Well, what I do know that miracles were designed of course to be miraculous, but also to increase faith in God.
     A few months ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. In the not so early stages but breast cancer none the less. It was detected in her breast as well as in one of her lymph nodes under her arm. This was a very scary discovery. The doctors immediately scheduled a surgery for her to get the lump removed and the lymph nodes from under her arm. After that she was suppose to go through treatments of chemo therapy and radiation for an undetermined amount of time and last but not least a shoe box amount of medication to "cure" her. I don't think I have to explain how uncertain surgery is or how damaging chemo is alone, but coupled up with radiation and pills her body would turn into a dump for bacteria and infections. Most cancer patients very rarely die from the disease itself but from illnesses their bodies couldn't fight off because of the destruction of everything our bodies are already equipped with to fight. All of those treatments strip a person of all their natural armor. Not only is the body broken down but the state of mind is diminished with hopelessness.
     Long story short, there was a diagnosis, a prophet, a revelation, a surrender, a surgery, and life change and the renewal of my mom is in motion. Some would classify her experience as a miracle. I don't mean to rush the story just excited to get to the good stuff. I have been in fog for the last 9 months. Struggling to stay in touch with what was real and what was delusional. SMH, in the midst of not knowing rather or not I  was going to lose my mom to this God forsaken cancer demon, I lost friends when I needed them most. I just kept telling myself, for every action there is a reaction. Perhaps it was fear of not really knowing how to be there for me, or just didn't want to be there for me idk, I'll never know. 2 months ago a long time friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer as well and was looking to undergo a double mastectomy. I hadn't spoken to her in years, not because I don't or hadn't thought about her, I totally admire her ability to draw so many people to her beautiful spirit, no matter where she goes. Maybe you can relate to this, when you feel like the floor beneath your feet is falling away from you. That is how I felt. I balled for the first two days of knowing about my beautiful friend; combined with my moms journey to a totally holistic approach (besides the surgery) to combat her cancer I was like a well done steak...just stick a fork in me. Worry consumed my every thought, I was thousands of miles away from my friend, upstairs from my mom, but as soon as she was feeling healed it felt as though I was thousands of miles away from her. My friend has been deemed cancer free, thank God! and my mom has yet to find out what her status is and I am in the mist.I have lost all ability to currently navigate my sanity. The only time I feel safe from unexpected scenarios is at work in the classroom with my 2 year olds telling me how much they love me and they just wanna dance to the dinosaur song. The mood is easy and light. The most devasting part of my day is a poopy diaper or 2 or 3.. I don't know where I reside anymore, just in this numb state, rarely in the clear or just in the mist. I'll have to get back to you on that......tbc Until next time fly me to the moon!

The Love In Me

In my devout search for love I had to ask myself some very difficult questions. Often times we seek a love from the opposite sex that we don't even have for ourselves. I have been using this last year to really dig inside myself to find out why my relationships turn out the way they do. Why is it that I reach a certain point in my relationships and I disconnect. At church last night we had a visitor. He is really good friends with my pastor and he comes periodically to give a word. Anyway in the middle of service he stopped and said he was feeling prompted to mention the fact that many people out in the audience had "Daddy" issues. He was reading my mail right as I set in the back listening, waiting to celebrate someone else's breakthrough. someone else's healing. I was so happy my mom was there, she rubbed my back as he ran through all the different scenarios people may be dealing with, "abuse, negelect, sexual abuse", and then he hit the nail on the head for me "abandonment". I am no big fan of facing my own demons. Just  hearing the word abandonment made me weep. You see, what you have to understand about me is that I have spent a lifetime making myself unselfishly available to everyone in my life. I have negelcted my needs, wants and desires trying to satisfy others. I have been so accomodating that many close to me see it as selfish while I go through a period of self exploration. My "Dad" abandonded me! Saying that out loud is so freeing. I have been redeemed just because I can admit that out loud. I am free from blaming myself for his inability to do his job. But again when truly considering the big scheme of things, God new of all of this before it even happened. He knew that he would be the one there for me the whole time, even when I did not know it. One day when I was about 6 or 7 years old, living with my grandparents at the time, my dad called and said that he was coming by to visit me. Already at this point I had not seen him in a very long time.  As my grandmother paced the floors, I anxiously waited on the front porch for him to arrive. Finally, after a long while she pulled me inside and said that he wasn't going to show up. At that moment  I realized I was being rejected by someone who should love me more than anyone. How could my daddy not come see me? Doesn't he miss me? Isn't he the least bit curious to know what I look like now? With all that being said, I never shed a tear. I shut down in a way. I didn't want to feel. Here I was the happiest little girl in the world, with a family that loved me, gave me everything I wanted; but yet my dad was unavailable, and set me up for one disappoint after the next. The affects from that relationship has bled into all my realationships. I have always waited for him to want to be apart of his life and want me in his life, so now instead of having a real commanding sense of urgency for my needs, wants and desires I just wait. I wait just as I have waited for my biological dad. The more I studied my behavior the more I understood it. My dad was the first man that I should have fallen in love with. Instead I didn't know him so I never new what it felt like to have a man love me unconditionally. A man that loved me so much he would protect me from men that prey on woman who don't know their own worth. I had to go through everything I have gone through in my life to get where I am today. I do not resent or regret the journey, for I believe truly that I am a better person because of it. Just recently I came to realize the only way for me to move on with my life and reach my full potential, really step into my purpose was to forgive him. Not because he is without fault, but for myself and my salvation and redemption. I have been redeemed and can live a life free of guilt, shame and blame. When you are a child I think the worse thing you could do to them is deny them. For a mother to do it prevents a child from knowing what it is to truly be nurtured and cared for.The kind of love that only a tenderhearted mother can provide. When father runs out on his responsibilities, then the child has no idea what it is to have someone be a true protector or provider. The little girl never has him around to adorn her with compliments and lavish her with loving hugs and kisses. The young boy never experiences a man loving him, being his guide, setting the standard for his future plight as a young man. Fathers have a huge job to do. When they abandon those duties they have somewhat doomed that child. I say "No!" Let him bare that burden, I was blessed with wonderful grandparents, a loving, caring, free-spirited mother, and a uncle and they all loved me very much. Before I figured out what my problems were I had no idea what I really wanted in a man for myself. I spent my whole life waiting for a man to choose me, and I had no real expectation for men since I really did not know. Anyway, now that I know my worth one day I summed it all up in a poem. I wanted to share it. Everyone deserves a love designed and intended for them. Many do not believe in true love but I do, I know that it was intended for us to be companions. Know who you are, be truthful with yourself, ask nothing of a lover, life mate that you cannot give yourself. Be the person that you want to share eternity with and you will attract true love to you. Until next time fly me to the moon!

Love, I know you have heard it all before
Speaking on love is so cliche
but I long for it day after day
I want that can't breathe without you love
that Ribbon in the Sky, ride or die love
that Sexual Healing, I got that feeling love
you know that love that makes you
Turn off the lights and light a candle
the kind of love where you are always
on my mind, got me feelin like you are the only one I
gave my heart to
like you were my first love
Man, I want that Good Times "Dynomite" type love,
that Endless Love
That we are so perfect we fit like a glove love
I want that you make me feel brand new love, that I guess
I'll see you next lifetime love
I just want to be loved, feel loved, live loved, die loved
I want that let's see the world together love, share our culture love
I want that Black Love
I wanna Once, Twice, Three times your lady love
that crazy love, weak in the knees love
come through the door and say my girl love
never have to worry about Where Do Broken Hearts Go? love
That All Cried Out and you adore me love
like its the first time love
Some Tender Love, U Got It Bad love
Purple Rain love
my body aches love
The kind of love we love God first love
That wake up in the morning and you watchin me sleep love,
when my eyes open you tellin me don't change love
I want love, to be loved, live loved, die loved
you my best friend love
laugh at my jokes love
That find me soon cause I am drowning in a sea of lonely love
I got so many things to tell you love
captain save me love
praying to the most high for you love
so its the true love
lover of my soul and not of my flesh
fresh to death love
my b-boy, love
my love
until we meet I'll keep searchin within me
cause to know me is to find you
or you will see my light
that shines for you love.

Humble pie

"We're quite volatile as individuals, but that doesn't work exponentially when we are together. Relationships are about eating humble pie. "- Guy Ritchie

The general theme of my life lately has been relationships. Our world has become expanded and condensed at the same time. While we have the capability to reach out to thousands with one stroke of the keyboard or from our phones, we are simutneously isolated from the tactile environment of the real world. I often find myself very isolated at times but realize sometimes the people we can surround ourselves with when we are not being our best self can be a nightmare to in the real world. So I just resort to liking their statuses, private messaging..etc. Personal and impersonal at the same time. Anyway I just wish folks would take more accountability in their relationships. Once you decide that you are someones friend, just like marriage it is for better or for worse. I love my friends unconditionally for exactly who they are and do not expect them to be anyone but who they are. I think when we fantasize about how a person should be we fail our friendships and become huge hypocrits. Life has its ups and downs and none of us know how we will cope in certain situations when we get there. If a friend becomes distant then I check in more not get pissed because they are not calling. We often use the term "reach out" when describing getting in touch with someone, sometimes you gotta "reach down" and lift your sistagrl or homeboy up cause when its hard out there on those streets, your real friend skills need to step up. I'm just saying, when it is hectic no punks allowed, no phonies or fakes just my real ones please. Claiming to be my friend and your not, its a task being a real friend it ain't just instagram photos of yaw'll at the club or FB statuses telling the world what movie you guys are about to watch. Its being on the other end of the line supporting her/him when they are in distress or tears. Dropping what you are doing and going to sit with them in person to really be supportive. IDK, that's how I do it and from here on out that will be my expectations or any newbies I decide to take on. I am sure someone can relate to this scenario it is way to common. Well friends, followers, future lovers or love interest, I am signing off gotta go juice my lunch. In this new blogventure I am also gonna chronicle my mission to juice for 10,days straight. If that works out than I am going for 30. I got totally inspired by my mom but also this movie I watched called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead on Netflix. If you have Netflix you gotta check it out. Until next time, fly me to damoon!