In my devout search for love I had to ask myself some very difficult questions. Often times we seek a love from the opposite sex that we don't even have for ourselves. I have been using this last year to really dig inside myself to find out why my relationships turn out the way they do. Why is it that I reach a certain point in my relationships and I disconnect. At church last night we had a visitor. He is really good friends with my pastor and he comes periodically to give a word. Anyway in the middle of service he stopped and said he was feeling prompted to mention the fact that many people out in the audience had "Daddy" issues. He was reading my mail right as I set in the back listening, waiting to celebrate someone else's breakthrough. someone else's healing. I was so happy my mom was there, she rubbed my back as he ran through all the different scenarios people may be dealing with, "abuse, negelect, sexual abuse", and then he hit the nail on the head for me "abandonment". I am no big fan of facing my own demons. Just hearing the word abandonment made me weep. You see, what you have to understand about me is that I have spent a lifetime making myself unselfishly available to everyone in my life. I have negelcted my needs, wants and desires trying to satisfy others. I have been so accomodating that many close to me see it as selfish while I go through a period of self exploration. My "Dad" abandonded me! Saying that out loud is so freeing. I have been redeemed just because I can admit that out loud. I am free from blaming myself for his inability to do his job. But again when truly considering the big scheme of things, God new of all of this before it even happened. He knew that he would be the one there for me the whole time, even when I did not know it. One day when I was about 6 or 7 years old, living with my grandparents at the time, my dad called and said that he was coming by to visit me. Already at this point I had not seen him in a very long time. As my grandmother paced the floors, I anxiously waited on the front porch for him to arrive. Finally, after a long while she pulled me inside and said that he wasn't going to show up. At that moment I realized I was being rejected by someone who should love me more than anyone. How could my daddy not come see me? Doesn't he miss me? Isn't he the least bit curious to know what I look like now? With all that being said, I never shed a tear. I shut down in a way. I didn't want to feel. Here I was the happiest little girl in the world, with a family that loved me, gave me everything I wanted; but yet my dad was unavailable, and set me up for one disappoint after the next. The affects from that relationship has bled into all my realationships. I have always waited for him to want to be apart of his life and want me in his life, so now instead of having a real commanding sense of urgency for my needs, wants and desires I just wait. I wait just as I have waited for my biological dad. The more I studied my behavior the more I understood it. My dad was the first man that I should have fallen in love with. Instead I didn't know him so I never new what it felt like to have a man love me unconditionally. A man that loved me so much he would protect me from men that prey on woman who don't know their own worth. I had to go through everything I have gone through in my life to get where I am today. I do not resent or regret the journey, for I believe truly that I am a better person because of it. Just recently I came to realize the only way for me to move on with my life and reach my full potential, really step into my purpose was to forgive him. Not because he is without fault, but for myself and my salvation and redemption. I have been redeemed and can live a life free of guilt, shame and blame. When you are a child I think the worse thing you could do to them is deny them. For a mother to do it prevents a child from knowing what it is to truly be nurtured and cared for.The kind of love that only a tenderhearted mother can provide. When father runs out on his responsibilities, then the child has no idea what it is to have someone be a true protector or provider. The little girl never has him around to adorn her with compliments and lavish her with loving hugs and kisses. The young boy never experiences a man loving him, being his guide, setting the standard for his future plight as a young man. Fathers have a huge job to do. When they abandon those duties they have somewhat doomed that child. I say "No!" Let him bare that burden, I was blessed with wonderful grandparents, a loving, caring, free-spirited mother, and a uncle and they all loved me very much. Before I figured out what my problems were I had no idea what I really wanted in a man for myself. I spent my whole life waiting for a man to choose me, and I had no real expectation for men since I really did not know. Anyway, now that I know my worth one day I summed it all up in a poem. I wanted to share it. Everyone deserves a love designed and intended for them. Many do not believe in true love but I do, I know that it was intended for us to be companions. Know who you are, be truthful with yourself, ask nothing of a lover, life mate that you cannot give yourself. Be the person that you want to share eternity with and you will attract true love to you. Until next time fly me to the moon!
Love, I know you have heard it all before
Speaking on love is so cliche
but I long for it day after day
I want that can't breathe without you love
that Ribbon in the Sky, ride or die love
that Sexual Healing, I got that feeling love
you know that love that makes you
Turn off the lights and light a candle
the kind of love where you are always
on my mind, got me feelin like you are the only one I
gave my heart to
like you were my first love
Man, I want that Good Times "Dynomite" type love,
that Endless Love
That we are so perfect we fit like a glove love
I want that you make me feel brand new love, that I guess
I'll see you next lifetime love
I just want to be loved, feel loved, live loved, die loved
I want that let's see the world together love, share our culture love
I want that Black Love
I wanna Once, Twice, Three times your lady love
that crazy love, weak in the knees love
come through the door and say my girl love
never have to worry about Where Do Broken Hearts Go? love
That All Cried Out and you adore me love
like its the first time love
Some Tender Love, U Got It Bad love
Purple Rain love
my body aches love
The kind of love we love God first love
That wake up in the morning and you watchin me sleep love,
when my eyes open you tellin me don't change love
I want love, to be loved, live loved, die loved
you my best friend love
laugh at my jokes love
That find me soon cause I am drowning in a sea of lonely love
I got so many things to tell you love
captain save me love
praying to the most high for you love
so its the true love
lover of my soul and not of my flesh
fresh to death love
my b-boy, love
my love
until we meet I'll keep searchin within me
cause to know me is to find you
or you will see my light
that shines for you love.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Humble pie
"We're quite volatile as individuals, but that doesn't work exponentially when we are together. Relationships are about eating humble pie. "- Guy Ritchie
The general theme of my life lately has been relationships. Our world has become expanded and condensed at the same time. While we have the capability to reach out to thousands with one stroke of the keyboard or from our phones, we are simutneously isolated from the tactile environment of the real world. I often find myself very isolated at times but realize sometimes the people we can surround ourselves with when we are not being our best self can be a nightmare to in the real world. So I just resort to liking their statuses, private messaging..etc. Personal and impersonal at the same time. Anyway I just wish folks would take more accountability in their relationships. Once you decide that you are someones friend, just like marriage it is for better or for worse. I love my friends unconditionally for exactly who they are and do not expect them to be anyone but who they are. I think when we fantasize about how a person should be we fail our friendships and become huge hypocrits. Life has its ups and downs and none of us know how we will cope in certain situations when we get there. If a friend becomes distant then I check in more not get pissed because they are not calling. We often use the term "reach out" when describing getting in touch with someone, sometimes you gotta "reach down" and lift your sistagrl or homeboy up cause when its hard out there on those streets, your real friend skills need to step up. I'm just saying, when it is hectic no punks allowed, no phonies or fakes just my real ones please. Claiming to be my friend and your not, its a task being a real friend it ain't just instagram photos of yaw'll at the club or FB statuses telling the world what movie you guys are about to watch. Its being on the other end of the line supporting her/him when they are in distress or tears. Dropping what you are doing and going to sit with them in person to really be supportive. IDK, that's how I do it and from here on out that will be my expectations or any newbies I decide to take on. I am sure someone can relate to this scenario it is way to common. Well friends, followers, future lovers or love interest, I am signing off gotta go juice my lunch. In this new blogventure I am also gonna chronicle my mission to juice for 10,days straight. If that works out than I am going for 30. I got totally inspired by my mom but also this movie I watched called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead on Netflix. If you have Netflix you gotta check it out. Until next time, fly me to damoon!
The general theme of my life lately has been relationships. Our world has become expanded and condensed at the same time. While we have the capability to reach out to thousands with one stroke of the keyboard or from our phones, we are simutneously isolated from the tactile environment of the real world. I often find myself very isolated at times but realize sometimes the people we can surround ourselves with when we are not being our best self can be a nightmare to in the real world. So I just resort to liking their statuses, private messaging..etc. Personal and impersonal at the same time. Anyway I just wish folks would take more accountability in their relationships. Once you decide that you are someones friend, just like marriage it is for better or for worse. I love my friends unconditionally for exactly who they are and do not expect them to be anyone but who they are. I think when we fantasize about how a person should be we fail our friendships and become huge hypocrits. Life has its ups and downs and none of us know how we will cope in certain situations when we get there. If a friend becomes distant then I check in more not get pissed because they are not calling. We often use the term "reach out" when describing getting in touch with someone, sometimes you gotta "reach down" and lift your sistagrl or homeboy up cause when its hard out there on those streets, your real friend skills need to step up. I'm just saying, when it is hectic no punks allowed, no phonies or fakes just my real ones please. Claiming to be my friend and your not, its a task being a real friend it ain't just instagram photos of yaw'll at the club or FB statuses telling the world what movie you guys are about to watch. Its being on the other end of the line supporting her/him when they are in distress or tears. Dropping what you are doing and going to sit with them in person to really be supportive. IDK, that's how I do it and from here on out that will be my expectations or any newbies I decide to take on. I am sure someone can relate to this scenario it is way to common. Well friends, followers, future lovers or love interest, I am signing off gotta go juice my lunch. In this new blogventure I am also gonna chronicle my mission to juice for 10,days straight. If that works out than I am going for 30. I got totally inspired by my mom but also this movie I watched called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead on Netflix. If you have Netflix you gotta check it out. Until next time, fly me to damoon!
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